Jokes

Please remember that these are JUST jokes, they are NOT intended to offend anyone. However, if you are the kind of person that gets offended easily, or prefer cleaner jokes, click here to go to our squeaky clean jokes section.

FYI: These jokes are mostly contributed by our readers.

General/Misc.

• Ancient statue and mountain edge
• Funny one liners
• 12- Pack
• A Child's Prayer
• A Sweet Ass Story
• Yo Daddy Is So Bald
• The little Kid and the Bus driver
• Who's the Boss?
• A Hooker and a Bungee Jump
• A cowboy in a barber shop
• Two Italian men
• The code word
• Do you know what I'm doing now?
• Spaghetti, Spaghetti
• Bill Gates in Hell

However, there was a catch. They had to stand on the edge of the mountain, and the first thing that comes into their mind, they will become. Tired with their boring lives, they all happily agreed. The first man, ran to the edge of the mountain, and and thought about eagels, and instantly, he turned into a powerful eagle, and flew away. The woman seeing how the wish works, ran to the edge of the moutain, and thought about peaceful doves, and instantly turned into a beautiful dove, and she too flew away.

The third guy ran to the edge, and suddenly looked down, surprised by the height he said to himself, "Shit, that is deep". "Splat", he fell to the ground as shit.

Funny one liners

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A Sweet Ass Story

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?"

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

Yo Daddy Is So Bald
Yo daddy is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.

The little Kid and the Bus driver
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Who's the Boss?

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.

A Hooker and a Bungee Jump
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common? They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

A cowboy in a barber shop
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a close shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, and most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend sometime in a hotel room." She replied, "I am married and my husband wouldn't like that." The cowboy said, "Tell him you are working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him! He's shaving you!"

Two Italian men
Two Italian men were sitting behind an old woman on a bus. "Emma come first," one of the men said to the other. "Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again, I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You pigs," the old lady yelled. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey cool-a down, lady," the one man said. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

The code word

There was an old priest who got tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adulter. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessinal, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"

The Mayor laughed realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the Mayor could explain, the priest shook an accussing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you are laughing about! Your wife has fallen THREE times this week!"

Do you know what I'm doing now?

A beautiful woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all his professionalism and ethics go out the window. He tells her to undress. Once she has disrobed, the doctor begins to stroke her thigh as he's doing this, he looks at her and says, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," the woman replies, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

That's right," says the doctor, then he begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

Yes," said the woman, "you're checking for any lumps."

"Correct", replied the doctor. Finally he unzips his fly and mounts the woman, then starts to have sexual intercourse with her.

Again he asks, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting gonorrhea, which is why I came to see you in the first place."

Spaghetti, Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh,just give it to me and I'll explain it, " he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Bill Gates in Hell

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God.... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine" said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????"

"That was the demo," replied God